4am and "Let's Just Leave Already"

So it's been more than a year since I last posted anything here. The only reason I'm even thinking of posting is because a lot, and I mean A L O T as happened in the past year, most of which I can't write here. This post is mainly because I'm selfish and I wanna see how many things I've survived this year.

Starting of with school, well, I just gave my finals and hopefully I'm done (we'll see if I pass though). I'm sure I'll miss it in a few months but to be honest I don't feel anything right now. Right now, one of the MANY reasons I'm thankful for my school is because it gave me a solid group of 6 assholes whom I would die for. I think it's because I'm relieved that I don't have to follow a routine which mainly included studying and barely going out. I can very easily say that going through 12th and boards was the toughest thing I've gone through till now. College might be tougher or very easy going, I don't know yet, but I feel super proud that I survived that. "PRO" TIP:  Start a countdown when you start 12th for your last board/entrance and see the days you lived through. Seeing it go from 345 days to 30 would make you feel better if you're having a breakdown.

<3

Moving on, even though 12th has absolutely drained the life out of me, I'm super excited to go to New York for further studies (vv proud to say I'm going to School of Visual Arts #SubtleShowoff). I'll be majoring in illustration. It's not just the fact that I'm going to my dream college that is exciting but also the amount of new places I'll travel and the new people I'll meet. It genuinely feels like a dream though. It still hasn't sunk in that in just 4 months I'll have a complete different set of friends, subjects, room and basically a different life. I'm not gonna say I won't miss this place or the people but right now the excitement is too much to care. I have already made few friends from SVA, WHO ARE COOL AF and I just can't wait to meet them.
Except this, now that school is over and I have 4 months free, I'm travelling a lot as well. I came back from Pune few weeks back (which was bomb s/o to you guys, you know who you are) and I'm leaving for Goa in a couple of hours. I'm also hopefully going to Himachal Pradesh for two separate treks so that would be fun. I'm focusing more on travelling India because this is the only time that I'll get to see my own country. Also, I got my 2nd tattoo in Pune. it's my own design so that makes it more exciting.

If you think about it, I have literally completely changed as a person. My interest are different, my thinking has changed, what I used to think is right or wrong has changed. I don't even recognise the past year me. I have fallen in and out of love and have also come to a conclusion that it's a waste of time (at least for me) and have started hating the concept of marriage. Few people have made me realise that it's completely pointless to have feelings so I just decided I'm not going to. I don't want to generalise, but for me, all this is bullshit because it never works out.

On the lines of being a different person, I've finally gotten comfortable with my body. I'm not fully there yet though but it wont be long. I have grown to love the stretch marks and have started seeing them as a marks of growth and not something that's ugly or unacceptable. I did an artwork related to this for my portfolio (link to the artwork). I  have so many friends who're going through body image issues and I've realised that it's almost impossible to make people positive about their bodies. These kinds of things take time and nobody can really help. It's the person who has to figure it out. For me, it's finally come to an end after almost 6 years.

Knowing me, it's not normal to not mention the new songs/bands I found in the last year. The songs will be in the "music" page. I've fallen in love with the bands Oh Wonder and The 1975. The good thing is that Oh Wonder has just released a new album "Ultralife". I won't say it's their best work but the songs still hit you in the feels. 10/10 would recommend.

This was more of an update on my life and at the end I would like to say I would post more regularly but I can't. Sorry.




-lostwherever

1am and Unfiltered Thoughts.

I get it, I should be studying maths instead of written this. But I haven't written anything in over 3 months. So what I'm going to do is I'm just going to write whatever I feel like, no editing, no going back, no deleting. Just pure, honest thoughts.


Me not writing maybe because I've been too happy and satisfied or maybe because I've been really busy with exams.
And well, maybe because I saw my seniors pass out from school and I realised I have exactly a year left of school life. And probably not even a whole year. So you see, I've been busy participating and trying to make memories. Not that I don't already have so many, spread all over the school.

This realisation made me aware that in a year, I'll be at the threshold of a new life. And I will have a say in what kind of life after school I choose.

When I started writing this, I never intended this post to be about school and college. But I guess that's the only thing going on in my mind. And that's one of the only things me and my friends talk about.

Let's go back to the part where I said that I've been too happy and too satisfied and way too excited. And it's not like anything special happened. It's just that everything is falling into place. Don't get mistaken when I say everything is falling into place means that there are no stress. I'm fucked up by the stress of exams and coping with school. But that's completely a different story.
But in terms of general life, I've been well. I have learnt to be happy with myself and I have actually started enjoying my own company. Nowdays, I don't feel the need to be around people because I want to be alone.
I went to a trip to Chail, Himachal Pradesh and we went to a river side. And I spent all the time we were there on just sketching. And it was magical. All I had was sound of the water, birds and the rubbing of my pencil. It would sound weird if I say it like this. Thinking about it now, it really was one of the best trips ever.

I even went to Pune for a weekend. And even though it is a metropolitan city, I was really fun. I made new friends and experienced a lot of things for the first time and I realised the importance of water proof bags and shoes. And also, I came to a conclusion that if you visit a new city, no matter how many similarities are between that city and where you came from, you should take as many pictures as you can without being embarrassed about it. Hell, we stopped a guard for almost 20 mins just so he could take multiple pictures of us in different poses. It was hilarious and whenever I look back to those photos, I think about the time when we were trying to think of the poses and THAT was the highlight.

 

I spent most of my time watching old movies and because of them I discovered so many new songs and bands. I love all kinds of old music. I will probably make a separate page for all those songs. And also for my recent artworks.

Also, update on my life, I got a tattoo. It has a whole story behind it and people who don't know the significance would think I'm a teenager trying to be cool. But whatever. I'll tell the story sometime later.

and yes, I know this post is all over the place but I'm not going to delete it and I promise I did not edit it even once. SORRY. And there are so many incidents that happened and things I learnt in the last 3 months but I don't want to use all of that in one post. THANKS.

-lostwherever

2:30am and Wanting and Waiting.

I wish I could write poetry, so that I could tell you that you probably are the best and the worst thing that ever happened to me. That whenever I sit down to paint or write, you're all that I want to paint or write about. But you've given me this block in my mind. And no it's not a creative block, believe me. I just want a leakage of inspiration from some sealed, colourful part of my brain so I could draw this feeling, so I don't have to rant, so I could keep you to myself and not share. I just want to know if our hands fit perfectly like how a lollipop used to fit in your mouth when you were 4, like how a picture of you, your dad, your mom and your sister fits into a photo frame that is hung by the dining hall of your home, like how two pieces of jigsaw fit together. But there's dust on the jigsaw pieces now. I just want to know, would our elbows and knees fit better than yours did with the last girl you were with? Would your ey- No, this has to stop.

There are very rare people, actually probably only 1 who I would give up my art for, but you, you seem to snatch it away from me and just leave me with a wet paint brush and butterflies in my stomach and a feeling to just run my fingers through your hair. Oh and the hair. Your hair feels like cotton candy, but well, only blacker. 
This feeling just slaps me in the face and when I try to stand up, it punches me in the stomach and for some reason I keep try to stand up just so it punches me again and again. Maybe I do this because in all those punches there is this one time where it lets me stand up and makes me laugh and you and I laugh so hard tears run down our cheeks. And it is worth it. It is best to see you lau- Do you get what I'm talking about now?

You made flowers grow in my lungs and even though they're beautiful, I can't breathe.

I hate talking in metaphors. Metaphors like your smile is like sunshine after a rainy day which when touches my lips makes me tremble. But you just make me feels those things and what I've said earlier proves it.

I see you everyday and it bothers me because what I want to be mine, I can't even touch it. Can't even introduce a handshake because if I hold your hand once, I wouldn't want to let go, I wouldn't KNOW how to let go.  And even though I want our hands to fit perfectly together, they probably won't because you and me together, oh no, we would never fit in a rectangle paper, we would always have few paint splatter on the table and on the walls and would continue the paint trail to the ceilings. Oh no, you and me, we are not meant to be fit inside the check box. We are equivalent to chaos and chaos knows no boundaries.  

Fuck, I see stars when you look at me and even though most of our eye contacts last for 5 seconds, I see the whole sky in them... well a browner sky. They look like, um, chocolate river and man, oh man, who doesn't love chocolate. Who wouldn't want to dive into the chocolate river and explore what candied goodness lies within. It worries me that some other girl will see the chocolate river and feel what I'm feeling and would have enough courage to dive in them and you'll probably see the Space in her eyes and would want to explore the planets. And me? I wouldn't have a corner in that circle of new infatuations. I think I never did. 

12am and Learning.

I need change, everybody does. I can't sit here anymore and think going partying means you have a life. Don't get me wrong, I love going out with friends but I also love wandering the streets alone at night. I have recently came to terms with the fact that you can't always be with someone, be it friend or whoever. You have to learn to be alone, and when I say alone, it doesn't mean lonely.

Whenever I feel like going out, during day or night, I always depend on someone to come with me. For sure having someone makes you more brave but being alone makes you independent, and isn't that better? It is, for me. And that is why I want to change. You see I rarely go out by myself, I rarely take care of myself, I always look for reasons to be with people and waste so much time on planning things that I lose the actual excitement of the experience. 

I admit I would get scared. It would be scary to sneak out at night, to go to a club alone or wander the streets alone at 3am.

  

And it's not only about going out alone. I want to be able to sit alone in a park or stand alone in a crowded place or go to an aet gallery by myself. It's not that hard but we tend to over think. It's fucking stupid how many chances I've missed just because I didn't want to "hang out alone" . 

I admire the people who do it so easily. 

-lostwherever

Everything Else is Everything Else.

Things you should definitely pack if you're travelling to a new place(especially mountains):

• Sleeping bag,
• Money,
• Mind open enough to accept changes,
• Knowing the fact that the people you're about to meet would probably have a very different lifestyle than you and you should be a little considerate and sensitive towards it, 
• Clothes,according to the weather,
• The excitement of exploring a new place,
• Camera, and probably an extra memory card,
• Desire to make new friends and carry those friends in your camera roll,
• A little selfish attitude to click as many silly stupid pictures as you want of yourself or your surrounding because you won't come back again for sometime,
• Knowing you would get scared for the first few days,
• A notebook to write/draw all your thoughts/emotions in. You probably won't feel the exact same for any other place,
• Music,
• Acceptance of the fact that you'd probably get lesser sleep than your daily routine because you wouldn't want to leave the the streets till after midnight,
• The feeling to not be a tourist but live as a local of that place.
• If anybody tells you not to go, you should probably go anyway,
• Other materialistic thing.

Missouri,India

2:30am and Becoming You.

I have been sitting in front of this screen for more than 20 mins figuring out how to write this. It's not easy to put into words when you can't even understand what's going on. So I'm not going to edit this or second guess what I'm writing. It's going to be raw as fuck and probably won't make sense to most of you. 

It's funny how a while back I had a clear vision of what I wanted to achieve, what I wanted to do after school and even after college. I have started second guessing myself if that is really what I want to do. Thinking about it for more than 3 months now, i realised I don't want to pursue that. And by "that" I mean design. 

I am not at all saying that art doesn't make me happy anymore or I can't put my thoughts onto paper. It's just that I have found something that scares me and excites me at the same time. Something I will not get bored of even if I do it for 60 years. And that's travelling. How will you earn money to travel? Where will you live? What's your plan? To be honest, I do not know. And I think I probably won't until I actually start doing it. 

Saying that I've lost passion in art would be a complete wrong statement and it's bloody fucking scary and no right to leave art just like that... I have been working on it for more than 3 years now. So now this dilemma sets in. I have had sleepless nights thinking about it and I have gone full 24 hours planning this shit out, BUT NOTHING SEEMS TO WORK. At one place I want to create art and at another I want to explore the world. Stupid idea is coming, don't read if you're going to mock. So after talking to my dad about it and probably reading almost every travel/art blog, I realised I can do both. I can somehow combine the two fields in the way I want. Some of you probably would think how the hell are you going to do that and you seriously think this will help you lead a stable life? Well no way, I don't want to lead a stable life, I'm not saying I want problems, I'm just saying I want to wake up everyday and not know what's in store for me. Anyone can be a legend if you can prove those people wrong, those people who tell you you won't achieve this or you're not "smart enough" to do that.

Remember this.

I saw a lot of videos today about doing what you want to do and stuff like that. "Life Doesn't Wait" by Connor Franta, "Becoming You" by Troye Sivan and "YOU" by Jacksgap were my favourites. I'll put the link to these three in the end. Get inspired from these. Moreover read about people like these or people like you. 

-lostwherever 

Life Doesn't Wait-Connor Franta

Becoming You-Troye Sivan

YOU-Jacksgap

PS- To me: So much for leaving so many points out ,srish.

2:15am and The Moment Of Impact.

There are moments in life where you just can't tell how you are feeling. That moment was so overwhelming or you were too lost to feel that that moment actually happened. And I'm not talking about dreams that you thought actually happened or a weird ass thing happened and you thought it was a dream. No. I'm talking about moments you know happened, you know you were their when it was happening, for real, but they feel like a dream. These are not moment that happen when you get your first kiss, or whatever. They happen when you watch your favourite band live, or when you meet the one person who inspires you, or a celebrity you can completely relate to. They seem surreal and they feel something completely different. 

Most of you would know what I'm talking about and the thing about these moments is that you can, in no way whatsoever, control how they would effect you. You can either feel excited after that, feeling all content that it happened, or you can feel lost, thinking, overthinking everything that happened. You can let the moment sink in as it was, or you can ruin the whole thing byt thinking you could've done things differently.

People always overthink after something has happened that they could have done it differently, enjoyed it more, let it make an impact that you remember. But hey, if you're thinking about that moment after like weeks, then it has made an impact. If you're constantly trying to play it differently in your mind, then it has taught you something, it has made you remember something.

It didn't happen that often but for sometime now, 3 months or so, it has increased. And I'm fucking loving it. Because of this feeling, I keep coming back to the smallest of things. It's funny that even though nothing "important" happened in those moments, I keep coming back to how it all felt like a movie, like I was in a dream. Because of this feeling I've learnt to appreciate and enjoy even the smallest moments to their max. 

I call this feeling "growing up". Not the clichèd being-an-adult growing up or making-into-the-real-world growing up. But the maturation of feelings and the learning how to grow from them growing up.


-lostwherever